Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Can Little White Lies Actually HELP Your Relationship?

How to Tell even the Ugliest Truth!

So, your partner has just asked a tough question, like, “Is it OK with you if I hang out with the guys tonight (for the third time this week!)?" Or, "Does it bother you that I’ve gained 10 pounds?”

Now, you’re squirming in awkward silence. You’ve got precisely 15 seconds to decide: Do I tell the truth or offer a little white lie?

If you’re like many people, it’s tempting to offer up what seems like an innocent fib, “Oh sure, have a great time. Tell the guys I said hello.”

That’s because many people have a deeply ingrained desire to please, reinforced by societal standards that suggest that people, especially women, should avoid offending others at all costs.

But what most folks aren’t aware of are the subtle, but growing costs of cumulative white lies. Although the little fib is usually used to make someone feel better or avoid hurting their feelings, over time, it actually has the opposite effect on your relationship.

In fact, avoiding the truth actually puts stress on your relationship, eventually creating feelings of distance, resentment, and dissatisfaction.

So, even LITTLE white lies aren’t doing your relationship any favors!

The next time you’re tempted to take the easy way out and offer a fib, realize that those uncomfortable moments are actually invitations to step closer to your partner by offering your authentic thoughts and feelings.

When you learn to always share your truth from a heart-felt place, it will have a freeing effect on you both that actually increases feelings of trust, closeness, and commitment. And best of all, your needs will be met more of the time.

But how do you offer your truth in a way that will bring you closer, not push your partner away?
It’s easy once you master the Truth Sandwich.

Serving Up a Truth Sandwich: 3 Steps to Sharing Your Truth in Any Situation

The essence of a truth sandwich is that you find a way of sharing your real thoughts and feelings that will lift up your partner, not bring him or her down. To do this, it’s easy to sandwich your truth between 2 relationship-bonding statements.

Step 1: Appreciate their Intent

If your man wants to hang with the guys again, let him know you really appreciate him asking your opinion first. Try a statement like, “I really appreciate you checking in with me about your plans- that’s so thoughtful.”

Step 2: Offer a Gentle Version of Your Truth

Once you’ve opened up with appreciation, you’ve softened the way for your truth. Continue with a gentle way to share how you really feel.

If you’ve been missing your guy and really wish he’d hang with you instead, try something like, “You know, I was just thinking about how much I’ve been missing some one- on- one time with you.”

Step 3: Wrap Up with a Suggestion

Then finish with a suggestion that will bring you closer together.

Experiment with something like, “Maybe we could meet for some sushi then crash on the couch for a movie instead? Or if you’re really jazzed about being with the guys tonight- let’s schedule a date later this week.”

This way you are still offering him free choice. But chances are, once you opened up and let your partner know how much you’ve been craving some time together, he’ll actually rather spend time with you! By having the courage to share how you really feel, you create the opportunity for more closeness, which is a win-win for you both.

Readers: We want your take- are white lies, no matter how little, bad for your relationship or are they a simple part of life? If you do tell fibs here and there, what is acceptable and what is not?

Thanks to for posting this original article. Add to the discussion here!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Help! My Partner is NOT over the Ex!

QUESTION: My boyfriend seems to love me but he keeps lying about his relationship with his Ex. Obviously, they are more than friends. Is there any hope for us?

ANSWER: Frankly, the only reason your partner is lying to you is that he KNOWS the truth isn’t acceptable. Otherwise, he wouldn’t need to keep hiding his thoughts, feelings, and actions involving his ex.

Sadly, if someone keeps lying, that means that there is something to hide!

Unless you’re OK sharing your beau with his ex, chances are it’s time to move on.

Clearly, his heart and mind are still involved with another woman. No matter how well the two of you get along, if he’s still stuck on feelings for his ex- he simply isn’t 100% available to be committed to you, heart and soul.

And you deserve to have a whole man to yourself- one who loves you without need to divide his time and attention.

If you are so right for each other AND the time comes when he is wholly available (and I mean it’s been 6 months or more without ANY involvement with the EX), you could consider rebuilding a relationship, but until then, you are settling for second best.

Readers, what do you think? If someone still holds a torch for an ex, should you bail right away or give it time and feel things out? Leave us a comment!

Thanks to for posting this original Q&A. See the discussion here.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Singles Surviving Valentine’s Day: Top 5 Ideas to Boost Your Love

If you’re single, you probably cringe when someone brings up the dreaded V-day, one of the loneliest holidays for the unhitched.

That’s because, surrounded by images of happy couples reveling in love, it’s hard not to focus on the fact that you’re not getting any!

But here’s an interesting irony.

As long as you’re focused on what makes you unhappy, all of the feelings of sadness, frustration, and helplessness- your Love Faucet is closed.

Love literally can’t come your way because when you walk around bummed out, your body language doesn’t attract other people, it actually repels them.

So, this Valentine’s day there is a simple key to launch you from surviving to thriving: Focus on giving love.

Rather than going on about your love woes and the love you aren’t getting, step into being a Giver of Love- to everyone in your path- from the barista at your coffee shop, to your cranky co-worker hunched at his desk, to the harried waitress serving up dinner.

When you focus on giving love, you immediately light up. Those warm and fuzzies you’re passing around? They automatically make you look more attractive to other people- drawing them to you.

Even better, once you are being love, your Love Faucet is turned back on and you are now having the Experience of Love.

Top 5 Ideas to Boost Your Love

- As you are out and about, gift everyone whose eyes you meet a huge smile while sending a beam of love.

- Send an over-due thank you note to someone who touched your heart.

- Give a genuine compliment to everyone you interact with- from friends to colleagues to service workers.

- Offer someone you know is feeling down or having bad luck a tiny trinket that symbolizes hope, love, or the power of dreams.

- On a note card, write the phrases, “You are loved. Pass it on.” Leave the note in a public place, like your co-worker’s desk, a table at the mall food-court, or even hand it to a stranger you pass on the street!

Get in the habit of giving love and it’s only a matter of time until you’ll be the recipient of the loving you’ve been waiting for.

But why wait? This Valentine’s Day, step into giving the love, which will help you feel the love, which will lead you right into attracting the love you long for!

Readers: What helps you step into experiencing love by giving love? Please share!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Top 4 Signs You are Dating a Commitment-Phobe and How to Deal!

Have you spent too long trying to make Mr./Ms. Wrong fall in love with you? You know the type- the one you’re always pursuing because they forever seem to be just out of reach.

Sadly, many singles squander away time pursuing a relationship that has no future, when they could be busy finding real love.

But the drama of being on an emotional roller coaster with a Commitment-Phobe can be a tad addicting, luring you in with juicy highs, and the hope that maybe underneath it all they could be The One.

So, how can you tell when you’re wasting your time? When the person you’re dating has no intention of committing to you?

The bottom line is that when two people really like each other, they automatically enact the Principle of Equal Investment. In other words, both partners invest equal amounts of time, energy, and emotion.

Check out these tell-tale signs that their investment isn’t up to par, as well as what to do about it.

1. You Always Reach Out First

If you’re always beating your date to an email, text, or call- then you’re extending more effort. If you waited to reach out, would it be a few days, a week, 2 weeks before you heard from them? You better find out!

Solution: Give'em Space

The more you pursue a commitment-phobe, the more they withdraw. So, wait for them to make contact first. When they does reach out, don’t jump to connect- take your time returning the message.

2. They Only Make Last Minute Plans

A commitment-phobe likes to keep their options open, so they typically only initiate plans with you at the last minute. Sure, they might agree to something you’ve planned sooner- but they won’t make that move personally.

Solution: Make Your Own Plans

When you have a full life of fun, you’ll be less needy and more attractive. So make your own plans with friends and never change them just to be with them. If they really want to spend time with you, they'll learn to schedule time sooner. Let them pursue you.

3. You’re an Outsider to their World

When a person isn’t ready to commit, they'll keep you separate from their world of work, friends, and family. If you’ve been dating more than 6 weeks and haven’t met anyone important to them yet, they are clearly unsure if you belong in their life.

Solution: Invite Yourself In

When your partner does call, say you’d love to meet their friends. Offer to set up a friendly group date- with some of your friends and theirs. When a person really wants to be with you, they want to show you off! If they balk- it’s a sign they are not right for you.

4. You’re Skating on the Superficial Surface

Does your partner still feel like a stranger? That’s because they aren't ready to invite you into their inner life. If you have to pry the deeper thoughts and feelings out, then they not choosing to connect on an authentic level.

Solution: Share Your Vision

When two people click, it’s natural for them to talk about their vision for the future- their hopes, fears, and dreams for a better life. So bring up your own wishes, you don’t have to talk about the future of the relationship. If your partner doesn’t get engaged with this conversation, it’s a clear sign they not invested in you yet.

If after stepping back and trying these tips for up to a month, your partner still isn’t filling that space by connecting more deeply and regularly with you, then it’s time to move on to a person who values you as much as you value them!

Readers: What signs has your commitment-phobe given you and what did you do about it? Please share!

Thanks to for publishling this original article.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Have You Made YOUR Soulmate Resolution?

If you’re still single, chances are you’re ready to find the right partner and begin enjoying the benefits of happy coupledom.

To boost your odds of finding the right match, here are some commitments you can make to yourself to ensure you really will attract the perfect partner.

Resolution 1: Re-Boot the Inner You

Every single has ideas that are holding you back: thoughts of lack, limitation, or impossibility that keep you from attracting the kind of high quality partner you deserve. Whether you think you are too old, too big, too short, or too broke to find real love, it’s only a myth because there is someone for everyone.

Don’t let inaccurate perceptions stop you from stepping out and staying in the game of love. Clean up your self-talk until the messages you give yourself about love are energizing and uplifting. That inner sparkle will attract outer attention!

Resolution 2: Restyle the Outer You

Once you clean up the inner you, the outer you could use some polish. Consider which aspect of your physical appearance needs updating- hair, clothes, fitness?- to go along with your new attitude. Discover what would make you feel like a great catch, and then let your new confidence highlight your fresh features.

When you look great, you feel great and that will be attractive to the perfect kind of partner!

Resolution 3: Resist Inaction

Most singles get frustrated after a couple of let-downs, then they give up their search for real love.

But to be successful at attracting the ideal partner this year, you’ve got to stay in action, rotating your strategies until someone clicks.

Commit to a novel act or activity at least twice a month, whether it’s trying a new online dating site, going to a different singles event, or even getting your coffee or lunch at an unusual location. By mixing it up, you’ll increase your exposure to new people- any of whom may be the perfect match!

Resolution 4: Stay on Track

Once you’re dating, it can be hard to remember that your ultimate outcome is to find the best partner, not just any partner. It’s easy to just keep sliding forward in a barely right relationship, wasting precious time you could be using to find a great match.

So give any budding bond 3 months and if it’s missing momentum, bow out and stay on the lookout for someone who really is your ideal partner!

With these 4 commitments, you’ll be on your way to attracting the kind of love that really can last a lifetime!

Readers: What commitment are you ready to make to ensure you will find love this year? Please share!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

4 Steps to Surviving a Singles New Year’s Eve (and Thriving!)

When you’re craving the loving lips of your perfect partner to kiss at midnight, it’s kind of a downer to be all alone.

But you can make 2011 the year you finally meet your ideal mate. And New Year’s Eve is the perfect time to step into a slate-clearing ritual which will be the first step to attracting real love next year.

So instead of heading out to a party, where the sight of all those happy couples might send you into a spiral of depression, here’s an uplifting way to spend the first night of the New Year.

New Year Ritual for Singles

Step 1: Set the Space for Romance

Create a comforting space where you can reflect upon last year and your desires for next year- maybe with candles, music, warm blankets, and your favorite snacks. The mood you are aiming for is gratitude: grateful appreciation for what has been and grateful expectation for what will be.

Step 2: Express Gratitude for the Gifts

Make a gratitude list from all of your dating experience last year. First focus on all of the experiences you don’t actually feel grateful for.

As you list them, tune into what the lesson was in each uncomfortable event. What was the gift? How was it asking you to step into your Best Self? Can you be appreciative of that opportunity? Wrap your list up with all of the dating experiences you actually do feel gratitude for.

Soak in that attitude of gratitude as you read your list out loud, thanking each person for the gem of opportunity they offered to you even if you didn’t recognize the gift until right this moment.

Step 3: Write Your Love Story

From this warm-hearted space, let’s step into your vision of love in the New Year. It’s time to write your very own love story. Yup- I want you to imagine what it will look and feel like once you are happily in love with your ideal partner.

Picture a scene you are looking forward to experiencing and write it out with all the details of every sense- what will you see, feel, hear, touch, taste, smell? Bring it to life in all it’s glory. Now you have a visualization you can use every day- once you step into this feeling, you become a mate magnet.

Step 4: Invite Your Mate to Join You

Standing in your power as a mate magnet, the last step to our ritual is to compose a letter to your beloved. After experiencing this future scene, what are all of the things you wish to say to the love of your life?

Consider this paper at once a thank you note, a love letter, and a personal invitation for this person to appear in your life. Once it’s done, place it in an envelope, and put it in a special drawer that you have cleared to be your partners once they show up.

Then go to sleep with the grateful expectation that real love will be yours in the new year, knowing that you just set the stage perfectly for your true love to walk into your life and sweep you off your feet.

Singles: How will you welcome love into the New Year? Share!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Top 5 Must-Do New Years Resolutions for Singles

If you are ringing in the New Year all alone, chances are you’re ready to finally find love in 2011.

Of course, January is the perfect time to wipe your slate clean of last year’s love mistakes to ensure that next year really is filled with lasting love.

If you are serious about fast forwarding to the relationship of your dreams, it’s time to commit to the following six resolutions.

1. Bust Old Patterns

If your luck in love is going to be different next year, the first thing you need to do is get honest with yourself about the patterns that are holding you back.

Think back through the last few years- which experiences have you had over and over? Do you pursue while he withdraws? Are you forever rescuing her?

Resolve to catch yourself making the same mistakes, then walk away, so you can create new, healthy habits pronto.

2. Date Outside Your Type

Chances are if “your type” hasn’t panned out for you by now, it’s time to discover a new type. Quirky artist not working out so well? Mr. Wall Street never emotionally available?

Resolve to date outside your normal comfort zone. Consider opening up your expectations in regard to age, height, income, race, job, etc.

Soulmates come in unexpected packages- broaden your horizon and you’re more apt to stumble upon an unexpected perfect match.

3. Ditch the Duds Fast

The best way to fast forward to The One? Stop wasting your time with people who are clearly only Mr./Ms. Right Now.

As long as you give away your valuable time, attention, and emotion to the wrong partner, you’ll never find the right relationship. Limit yourself to three months of dating, if the bond doesn’t obviously have more potential by then, move on.

4. Blast through Dating Ruts

Yup- doing what you’ve always done, will get you what you’ve always gotten. If you haven’t found the right partner during your usual routine, it’s time to get creative in your daily & dating activities.

Join new groups, take novel classes, or frequent different coffee shops, bookstores, hiking trails, & grocery stores. Your ideal mate is out there- if you are always somewhere new, doing something different, you maximize the chances of serendipity working it’s magic.

5. Share Your Best Self

Maybe it’s not just what you are doing that needs a makeover, but who you are and how you show up! Get real with yourself by asking: What about you isn’t as attractive as it could be?

Ask your closest friend for honest feedback. Do you tend to be overly anxious or pessimistic? Are quick to pass judgment or so shy you fade into the background? Maybe it’s time to hit the gym, get some cute clothes, or try a new hairstyle?

When you step into your best self, you’ll more naturally attract a better partner- the one you truly deserve.

By making these 5 commitments, you’ll be well on your way to making 2011 the year you finally find true love!

Readers: What's your New Years Resolution to find love? Please share!