Thursday, November 13, 2008

Larina Kase on facing Dating Discomfort!

Today we have a very special guest, my colleague, Larina Kase, talking about how you can confidently move in the direction of your ideal relationship!

In case Larina's name is new to you, she is a psychologist and coach and has written many popular books in the past few years. I'm excited about Larina's fabulous new book: The Confident Leader.

I was lucky enough to steal a few minutes of her time to ask her how singles can manage the discomfort that comes with
the initial stages of dating.

I'd like to know how singles can more confidently pursue love- since fear keeps many of us from reaching our full potential in love.

Hey, we all need a little more confidence, wouldn't you say!?

Here's what Larina had to say.

Jenn: Why is it necessary to move outside of your comfort zone for greater relationship success?

Larina: In order to get and stay in a relationship that you value, you will likely need to move beyond your comfort zone in one or more areas. For example, in the relationship initiation phase you may need to approach discomfort to:

· Go up to someone and introduce yourself
· Go on a first date (even though you’re unsure about how you look, what you’ll say, if you’ll like them, and so on)
· Pick up the phone to call someone (when you’d much prefer if they’d make the first move, but waiting will get you no where)

Then, of course, as you get into the relationship, new areas of discomfort will arise that you’ll need to approach rather than avoid, things like:

· Your fears of change (moving in together, etc.)
· Your fear of commitment or intimacy
· Your worries about what if he or she ends the relationship
Jenn: I love that you are highlighting that discomfort is a natural part of the dating cycle.
We all will deal with it at one point or another.

And we always get to choose: face the fear and do it anyway, or back away and end up wondering, "What could have been?!"

Larina: Yes, and your discomfort level can be a helpful thermometer for whether you’re in a healthy relationship that you value.

- If you never have any discomfort, you may be avoiding facing important issues or perhaps you don’t care about the relationship.
- If you’re too uncomfortable, your intuition may be telling you that this person is not the right one for you.

Jenn: That is such an excellent point! We all want to avoid discomfort, so we often forget that it can hold valuable clues for us to follow.

Larina: You’ll want to accept a higher level of discomfort at the beginning and know that it will likely reduce over time as you get used to the relationship.

Jenn: I think that's right on. If you are going to date, you have to be willing to wade into the pool of discomfort, since there are so many unknown factors. And as you face your fears and bravely move forward- you are rewarded with clarity and a growing sense of confidence.

Larina: Also be wary of being too comfortable and take that as a cue to take on a challenge (set up a romantic date, surprise your partner with his or her favorite gift or meal, etc.)

Jenn: Good point! It's easy to take things for granted and coast along smoothly. Let that be a sign to shake things up a bit and take a risk for deepening the relationship!

Jenn: Most of our readers are singles, not business leaders- why should they check out The Confident Leader?

Larina: This book is really more about leading yourself than leading others.

It’s about challenging yourself, pushing your boundaries, staying motivated, and standing out.

There’s a detailed description (and some great bonuses) here:

Jenn: Thanks so much for your words of wisdom today! All of Larina's books are chock full of practical advice on how to make the most of everything you do. So I highly recommend you take a peek.

You can learn more about Larina at her website:

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