Monday, January 24, 2011

Top 4 Signs You are Dating a Commitment-Phobe and How to Deal!

Have you spent too long trying to make Mr./Ms. Wrong fall in love with you? You know the type- the one you’re always pursuing because they forever seem to be just out of reach.

Sadly, many singles squander away time pursuing a relationship that has no future, when they could be busy finding real love.

But the drama of being on an emotional roller coaster with a Commitment-Phobe can be a tad addicting, luring you in with juicy highs, and the hope that maybe underneath it all they could be The One.

So, how can you tell when you’re wasting your time? When the person you’re dating has no intention of committing to you?

The bottom line is that when two people really like each other, they automatically enact the Principle of Equal Investment. In other words, both partners invest equal amounts of time, energy, and emotion.

Check out these tell-tale signs that their investment isn’t up to par, as well as what to do about it.

1. You Always Reach Out First

If you’re always beating your date to an email, text, or call- then you’re extending more effort. If you waited to reach out, would it be a few days, a week, 2 weeks before you heard from them? You better find out!

Solution: Give'em Space

The more you pursue a commitment-phobe, the more they withdraw. So, wait for them to make contact first. When they does reach out, don’t jump to connect- take your time returning the message.

2. They Only Make Last Minute Plans

A commitment-phobe likes to keep their options open, so they typically only initiate plans with you at the last minute. Sure, they might agree to something you’ve planned sooner- but they won’t make that move personally.

Solution: Make Your Own Plans

When you have a full life of fun, you’ll be less needy and more attractive. So make your own plans with friends and never change them just to be with them. If they really want to spend time with you, they'll learn to schedule time sooner. Let them pursue you.

3. You’re an Outsider to their World

When a person isn’t ready to commit, they'll keep you separate from their world of work, friends, and family. If you’ve been dating more than 6 weeks and haven’t met anyone important to them yet, they are clearly unsure if you belong in their life.

Solution: Invite Yourself In

When your partner does call, say you’d love to meet their friends. Offer to set up a friendly group date- with some of your friends and theirs. When a person really wants to be with you, they want to show you off! If they balk- it’s a sign they are not right for you.

4. You’re Skating on the Superficial Surface

Does your partner still feel like a stranger? That’s because they aren't ready to invite you into their inner life. If you have to pry the deeper thoughts and feelings out, then they not choosing to connect on an authentic level.

Solution: Share Your Vision

When two people click, it’s natural for them to talk about their vision for the future- their hopes, fears, and dreams for a better life. So bring up your own wishes, you don’t have to talk about the future of the relationship. If your partner doesn’t get engaged with this conversation, it’s a clear sign they not invested in you yet.

If after stepping back and trying these tips for up to a month, your partner still isn’t filling that space by connecting more deeply and regularly with you, then it’s time to move on to a person who values you as much as you value them!

Readers: What signs has your commitment-phobe given you and what did you do about it? Please share!

Thanks to for publishling this original article.


Anonymous said...

You described the man I am interested in. I have to laugh because this is so accurate. So he is a oommitment phobe. Never looked at it that way. I thought he was just taking his time.

I know I can't give him to much more of my time or devotion.

Dr. Jenn said...

Anonymous- sometimes it's wise to go slow and take your time, and other times, it's well- like you say, going nowhere!

After about 3 months- you should have an answer as to which it is- your time and heart is precious- go forth and find someone to love you!